It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
