I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
