god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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