I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
