You really coming over, don't trick.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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