new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
