Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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