That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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