There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
