I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
