you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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