Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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