Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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