i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
