I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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