Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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