The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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