i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
