cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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