Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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