What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
