I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
