You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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