Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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