i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
