Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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