My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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