ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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