I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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