Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
