Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
