as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Randomize
