My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
