He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
my poor anus
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
