my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
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