4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
