Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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