i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
