I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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