We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
