I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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