there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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