I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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