Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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