What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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