Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
