I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
