you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
