Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
and she was petting her beer can
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
