chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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