my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
