i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
